The wedding treadmill


At my age, all you do is watch box sets and go to weddings, and soon you start to notice how the details of nearly all (Western hetero) weddings are wedged close together, Venn diagram style (see artsy Pinterest fans, right, on the urban vintage French artisan end of the scale).

It can start to feel like a treadmill of invitations, hen dos, flowers, white dresses, presents (for them, not you), canapés, expense and bouquets til you are driven to scream REALLY? ARE WE REALLY DOING THIS AGAIN? and slam your forehead into the cupcake pile.

Here is my heretic, unlucky 13 guide to the (un)originalities of the wedding roundabout:

  1. The invitation. Used to involve more ribbon and italics. Now at least you can expect a good font and a web address where you can pay for someone else to have fun, or a blender, or both.
  2. The ‘spontaneous’ love shots. Note: they’re not spontaneous. Can be subdivided into i. mild surprise, slightly raised eyebrow (her) laughing (him) ii. proud and protective arm (him) and cute (her) iii. him behind her, her looking up sweetly iv. black/white; sepia; Instagram.
  3. The first dance. Either over-choreographed, in which case embarrassing and terrifying, or awkward, in which case embarrassing and … awkward.
  4. The ‘boys’ pictures. Getting ready – bow ties, cumberbands, blah. Laaaads. Blah.
  5. The ‘girls’ pictures. Peeping out from behind veils, leaning laughing into the mirror, having make up done, close up of champagne glass.
  6. The still life shots. Bride’s shoes waiting in corner. Peonies on top table. Name plate. See also (5) champagne glass.
  7. The bride. Must look really, really, really much nicer than usual, maybe by like 78%. People are hired to ensure this happens. Should not speak publicly if it can be helped.
  8. The dress. Tends to be white. Cream. Lace. Variations of.
  9. The cute kid shot. Preferably stumbling over his smart shoes, or chasing after a pheasant, or peeping around a pew.
  10. Groom. Should look smart but for god’s sake, not beautiful. Must say funny, moving things i.e. no mum jokes.
  11. Best man. Must say funny, mildly sexist things i.e. mum jokes.
  12. The location. Church for people who don’t mind pretending to be Christian, woodland arbor for brave middle class types.
  13. The mood. Generally very happy, perhaps happier than you ever will be again, which is sort of depressing isn’t it?

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