I want to take you to the gay bar


I am but an infrequent tourist on the London lesbian bar scene, so my observations are neither representative nor in any way valid (I’ll steam ahead anyway). Things me and friends believe we have noticed: there are about 17 lesbians in london, most of them have been/are going out with each other, and their discos are better than ours.

Going to lesbian discos when you are not a lesbian has its fair share of pitfalls. Some people look at you angrily when they find out you are not a lesbian, as if you have called your child Amelie when you have no French blood in you, or joined the Australian Society out of interest instead of actual Antipodean nationality.

The other night I was chatted up by a woman, even after (in fact, especially after) I mentioned I was straight and ‘in a relationship’ with a man (I didn’t use those words, it makes it sound like a right old chore). I wasn’t interested in her but this wasn’t because I am straight; it was because I didn’t fancy her and she exuded a sad sense of single desperation. We’ve all been there, I wanted to tell her, but learn to disguise it else you won’t get far with shallow heterosexuals like myself.

Her friends all gave me evils for being straight and daring to go along to the night, maybe like the whites who didn’t want the blacks in their bed and breakfasts. I will go back to the lesbian disco regardless because everyone else is always welcoming, and because they play Sleater Kinney then Avril Lavigne and it isn’t even meant to be ironic.*

Single gay friends report that it’s difficult to meet people because they are small in number (lesbians that is) and if you’re not into the ones that look like lesbians then you may find it hard to differentiate between lesbians and the heterosexuals like me, infiltrating their discos and denying them sexual access.

*This was only one particular disco; I cannot vouch for Colours Nightclub in Basildon, which may not have a similar music policy.


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